1. Until recently, I thought I’d experienced joy, but it was like sure, yeah, I’ve been happy.

2. This was not unlike the way I understood orgasms as a teenager. Like, I’m pretty sure it happened that one time because it felt pretty good, and then I got kinda shaky at the end, right before he, you know ——

3. Of course you’ve heard, as I eventually did, the classic retort from a lucky girl who knows better: Honey, if that was an orgasm, you would’ve known it.

4. The happiest poem is the hardest to write.

5. I know how to sing Joy to the World in two-part harmony.

6. I’m a Jew. But I like the feeling in my chest when I’m in a big room full of people wearing red scarves and bad sweaters, inviting heaven and nature to sing.

7. I’m looking back lately at all the grabs I’ve made for shiny things. I’m saying to myself, Babygirl, if that was joy, you’d have really felt it.

8. Speaking of really feeling it, now I do know what an orgasm feels like.

9. All orgasms are not alike. Some are like lullabies, they’re soft and put you right to sleep, while others slap you suddenly all the way awake, but

10. I don’t call Jesus’ name when I’m coming.

11. I do call Oh God. Oh God, Oh God, because something great is going on.

12. I’m not sure how this turned into a sex poem, but have you ever rolled over after turning off the lights and felt a shiver pass through you, like you’ve lost something you’d been holding onto for years?

13. It took me 29 years and 43 poems about heartbreak to experience 15 minutes of joy and it was worth it.

14. It happened in small-town Iowa, on tour, on stage one night, in a lesbian-owned cafe full of prayer flags and rainbows and Chai tea, red walls, tattoos, children...

15. We were late.

16. We were really late —— that’s what’s so deep about this story —— we had driven eight or so hours virtually without stopping, none of us showered or ready. I got dressed in the bathroom stall, no mirror and so did not wipe the lipstick off of my teeth, took a deep breath before I got on stage, and

17. Oh God, I’m not ready, Oh God I’m not ready, not ready, I kept thinking I’m not ready, and I began anyway.

18. Sometimes not ready is the readiest you’ll ever be.

19. I was so fucking happy to be on that stage, not in the car, not in last year, I was so happy to be standing there, calling God’s name Oh God because something great was going on.

20. Sometimes it’s about humility.

21. I only have one sister, a big sister, and her name is Joy. She’s beautiful and she smiles a lot but she’s never been very happy, so how was I supposed to know this word could be more than just a pretty bell ringing?

22. When I read my happiest poem that night, I lived it. There was nothing nagging at the edges of my lines. No voice whining, but really heartbreak is your truest truth, who are you kidding faking joy? There was nothing fake about me, and

23. the lesbian cafe loved it, but that wasn’t even the point.

24. When I read my saddest poem that night, I was giving it away. It was a thing, like a cake, and it was not my cake to keep.

25. When the night was over a shiver passed through me and I found myself humming. Let every heart prepare some room.